I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Randomize
