By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
