Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
