There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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