DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You are the jesus of drinking
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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