Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
