miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched