my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My dick has a subreddit
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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