i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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