I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
