I wanna passion pit in your ass
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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