Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
