This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
