i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
