So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
