it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
