Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
