So I think I might still secretly love him despite the ass licking...
Hey ass licking is a very nice and intimate thing! Don't discredit your feelings
But what if he licks everyones ass?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Randomize
