I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
