I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
