Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
