Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
