The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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