Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
