I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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