The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
