My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
