Christians are straight up FREAKS
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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