how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
