I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
