When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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