oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
what day is it and did you see me today?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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