I cockslap morals
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
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