I'm so fucking centered right now
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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