your parents love me but you hate me
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
