is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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