So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
