this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
