bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
