My first STD was from a foam party
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
