Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
