rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
