I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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