Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
