i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I'm really busy with my period
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