Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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