my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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