So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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