made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
