You smell like stripper and shame
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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