I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
