his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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