My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
