there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
