I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Four minutes until I can fart!
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Randomize
