my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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