I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Randomize
