she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
