can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
