i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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