O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I need to stop coming to work sober
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
