good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
