I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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