he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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