so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
