Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Blood and glitter go together right?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
