just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
