we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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